I woke this morning with eyes swollen and red. I’ve cried a lot over the last few weeks. Knowing that this month was fast approaching. Dreading it as I have every year since the day you took your last breath. I remember people telling me that time will lessen the pain. I still wait for that day. The pain has not lessened, though it has changed. Most days, I walk around with a dull ache in my chest, but every once in a while, the sharp pain returns. The searing pain of loss that takes my breath away. That’s the pain I’ve been feeling lately.
6 years. Six years without seeing your smile. Six years without hearing you tell me you love me before I close my eyes each night. Six years without your kiss waking me in the morning. Six years without feeling your hand firmly holding mine in yours. Six years without your laughter. Six years without my best friend. Six years without your love in my life. Six years of me, walking my path without you. Six years of me, with a broken heart.
Acceptance. I’ve been fighting it. But slowly, I’ve grown to accept that this grief that has settled into my heart and over my life, and has changed the colour of my future, will stay with me always. The pieces of my heart that loved you and love you still, will always belong to you. I’ve had no choice but to accept that you no longer walk beside me, and our dreams of growing old together are just that-dreams.
I’ve started picturing my future without you in it. It hasn’t been easy. It’s been painful. It’s been hard. But because you believed in me, and believed in strength I never knew I had, I fight to heal my heart. I fight to take steps every day, being an example of strength for our family. I fight to figure out who I am now, without you here with me. I fight to find gratitude-
through my sorrow-for the blessings you have left me with.
And at the end of every day, I close my eyes, and still hear echoes of your voice telling me that you love me. And I smile, because I am so lucky. So lucky to have had such love in my life. So lucky to have known you. To have loved you. And to have been loved by you.
So today, as I remember the day my life changed forever, I will also remember how happy you made me. I will remember your eyes on mine. I will remember your courage and your fight. I will remember everything about our life together.
I miss you, my Love.